About reclusive parts of my life - 1

I think it is the third time in my life that has confined myself to reclusive life conditions on my own.

The first time was my high school years. 

It was not in a strict sense a reclusive time, but my concerns were largely towards mental aspects that were not able to be shared with any of my friends. 

Indeed, oil paintings and comic books that I used to draw on my own made myself much isolated from others and spend time alone. 

Study also was another reason that made my life of the time reclusive.     

Looking back those days, I was not so much studying to get high scores in tests, but was making efforts to go further in the depth of study than others were.

For me, more profound matters in texts that I learned, which were naturally more difficult things to understand, were always in priority in the order of study.  

Likewise, I had to try harder to control myself rather than to study harder, because the former was thought as a more basic thing to enable the latter and to achieve any other goals in my life. 

And I did not know why my attention was constantly distracted by so many things even though there were no Youtube or Pinterest in those days. But vaguely I was realising how difficult it was to control the behaviour, mind and emotions of myself.   

The second one was the last year in history education study in my second university.

To be precisely, it was from the time that I decided to become a teacher after the period spent as a trainee teacher in May to early January the next year. 

During the several months I was preparing for the national examination to teach at what people call 'public schools' in Korea. 

Because during the previous times, such as when I attended the dental college or when I was working as a dentist while attending my second university, I did not enjoy the study very much or I could not concentrate on study only, I was completely overwhelmed by the intellectual interest that the different disciplines gave me. 

Unlike the first time, the result itself was not successful, but, from such an intensive hard work, I came to think that I was very strong and endurant. 

I confess that such a perception of myself was a constant source of my confidence in teaching students at school. 

Now, this last reclusive time is felt as a more hardship than the previous ones in my life.

My situation looks somewhat similar to that of the first time. 

Loneliness has now become almost an essential part of my mind. 

But I know that I cannot go back to the past or jump over to the future.

I rather feel that I have been led to face the reality of myself, and have learned lots of lessons not only from my study but also from this unexpected life condition.. such as what kind of person I am and should be, and how humans are designed. 

Especially one thing I have seriously found in myself is that I am still weaker than I had thought. 

Weakness means not only physical limits but also, much more importantly, my pathetically weak spirit. 

I think that my weakness has not ever disappeared even once, and simply I have not had a chance before to confront it as truly as now.